The Writing Party

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By: Ken Discenza, Esq.

I detest the pointless drivel I read from modern writers. It seems all they can do is rely on tried and true clichés. If I read one more piece of writing filled with the same old clichés, I will scream.

Originality is all in a day’s work for a skilled writer. Unfortunately, skilled writing has gone the way of the dodo bird. Today’s writer has the attention span of a gnat; and, therefore, I don’t believe that I am going out on a limb when I say that modern writers cannot hold a candle to the ingenuity of writers gone by. People have forgotten that patience is a virtue. A writer who cannot come up with creative phraseology should just try, try again.

Reading the same old similes is like watching paint dry. Analogies should be like a snowflake where no two are the same. The over-used descriptions make me red in the face with anger and leave my blood-boiling. Even the characters are so derivative they are nothing more than copy cats.

Additionally, writers today are literally drowning in hyperbole. I read a book the other day in which I swear the writer must have been so hopped up on caffeine that he was flying to the moon as he wrote. It was the most unbelievable thing ever! Every single word of the book was written as if it was the most extreme occurrence in the history of the world.

I am ready to jump off a bridge from all of the over-exaggeration I read. I read probably a million books in a single year, so I am definitely the most qualified person ever to evaluate the worth of a writer. Don’t authors understand that subtlety in writing is as impactful as all the world’s missiles launched simultaneously at the very center of the largest ever volcano erupting during a 10.0 earthquake while the earth is being struck by a Jupiter sized asteroid?

I miss the days of the classic writers who could drive home a point without feeling the need to make the most dramatic and magnified embellishment as if the reader is as stupid as a lobotomized toddler jellyfish that has been trapped in a box at the bottom of deepest part of the ocean. The level of histrionics makes me want to rip off my own arm and beat myself over the head until I am lulled into an unconscious coma!

Finally, I am exceedingly chagrinned at the vexingly ubiquitous propensity of contemporary scriveners who persistently aver on composing in the furthermost extravagant flair conceivable. What has become of the unpretentious and venerable elementariness that was once the emblem of laudable recountal?

Unequivocally, William Shakespeare is the sui generis pretermission in the apothegm I am espousing. Assuredly, he is sacrosanct. Contemporary scribes should personate the facile and meritorious archetype of the transcendent Ernest Hemmingway lest ye be paralleled to the unendurable James Joyce. What a monumental scourge!

In the most abbreviated form, to declare my squabble with insufferably protracted and ornate prose as brusquely and lustrously as possible, I will solely assert that “brevity is the soul of wit.”

In conclusion, modern writers need to put the brakes on the utterly and undeniably worst things that have happened to writing since the inception of pen to paper! NO MORE CLICHES, NO MORE HYPERBOLE, AND NO MORE FLOWERY PROSE. Res Ipsa Loquiter!

A little bit of fun for April Fool’s Day. Hope you enjoyed it! – The Writing Party

Ken Discenza, Esq., is an Administrative Law Judge for the State of California, with over 15 years of experience in the field of law. Ken graduated from Loyola Marymount as a psychology major and earned his law degree from Pepperdine School of Law. He enjoys fiction and satirical writing in his spare time.

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